I remember the first real encounter where I felt that the universe had shifted me into a new gear with music, I was sitting in a bunk in kananaskis country ; on a youth retreat for peer support – a school run program for students to help other students with their personal problems. A friend handed me his walkman and told me to listen to this, it was the B side of Nirvana’s Nevermind record, the song was Territorial Pissings. I remember that moment to this day, in the exact way that it happened. I bet that my friend has no recollection of the event at all, how was he to know that he had set into play a monumental moment for another human being? There I was in those wood bunks, the stain on the wood was dark and the mattresses smelled faintly of urine and cleaner, the sheer shock of the emotion; the clear and utter belief in what they were singing, the true and natural primal screams, it was everything that I was feeling inside but I did not understand it. I was in my friend’s bunk and all I got to listen to was the one song, he did not want to where out the batteries, all I wanted in the world was to sit there and listen to that music for the rest of my life. Oh the shitty sleeping bags, the pubescent wreak of unwashed testicles and armpits, and a moment that shapes a life in some cabin in the middle of the mountains.
That emotion, that same raw power, is what I have been trying to capture ever since that moment. I want to stir in people the same thing that the moment of listening to that Nirvana record did to me. I have trained and worked to achieve some sort of academic level of knowledge because I think that it assists my ability to convey that emotion, I am not ignorant of what the inner workings of music are, nor do I let my cognitive processes get in the way of pure instinct. I have finally found the balance; and that balance is precarious (for a lack of a better word).
Before the album comes out, and it is a short ways away, I want to let you understand the reasons that I play – I am not sure why I need to do this, I just do. I play because of the emotion of playing, I play for that moment of sheer joy and exultation. At the same time I understand that it was my study that brought me to the moment that I am at. I have plans to study more, not in an institute like I have in the past, but rather, I am going to study with the people that I admire – I no longer have a fear of anyone. I play the guitar because it is my outlet for releasing all of my rage and frustration in life, people why I go nuts on stage and why I am quiet and nice in life, one of the reasons is that I can release those things on the stage. There have been moments that I think that I am dying, I don’t know why, but I harness that into my playing – I see death and I think “these are the last notes, make them unbelievable.” I play the guitar because I love so many people, I have to show them love, I have to make the world a better place with my music (both by teaching and performing); teaching heals the young, playing heals the old.
I am not sure I can go on with this for now, it is getting a little to deep into who I am and for whatever reason I feel like I have to stop…. I will continue this at another time when I am ready to share more.
I love you,